Has It All Been Worth It?
BeccaDuck emailed me the other day and asked me this question. And I’d have to say yes. Don’t get me wrong, though; that isn’t the same as saying that these have been the two greatest years of my life and I enjoyed each day immensely. That would be demonstratively false. But when I look back at everything I’ve seen and been exposed to, everything I’ve learned about myself, all the great people and kids I’ve met, it’s been worth it.
Does it make up for all the teeth grinding moments that I’ve faced for the past two years? More or less. It’s easy to dwell on the negative (as this blog probably has shown) and it’s something I’m good at. I’ve hated being Asian here (if that makes any sense). I’ve hated feeling doubly as an outsider in this country. I’ve hated being undervalued. I’ve hated some of the things I’ve thought about CVians during moments of anger. At times, I’ve hated this country for not being what I was looking for when I joined PC.
This is a quirky culture; African at the core, with a lot of things that trick you into thinking they’re more Western than they really are. After all of this time, I’ve realized that everything they have from the West is one part that general desire many less developed countries have of emulating the West. But it’s also a large part of CVians hiding the fact that they don’t, as a people, know who they are or what they want.
I don’t know where they’re going to get a sense of direction from, if at all, or if they are just going to continue to stumble around. After being here for a bit, I came to the conclusion that there was nothing here that people wanted from me (or is it that I don’t have anything to offer them?) so what I was hoping PC might provide – a sense of purpose or mission – faded away. I’ve drifted for two years, alongside these CVians. Never really knowing where I came from or wanted to go.
Maybe what’s annoyed me so much about CV is that it put a mirror onto my life? It’s showed me, that just like everyone living on these islands, that I didn’t have a clue. It reminded me, in a rude way, that despite having grown up with the advantages and privilege that America has offered, that I really am no different than, say, a 20-something girl who stopped going to school after 7th grade (because, I can assure you, I’ve been humbled by quite a few of them in many ways).
I think I thought my time in PC would help me answer questions about myself and this wacky world that we live in. But in reality it’s just stirred up even more issues for me to contemplate. PC has probably done more for me than I’ve done for CV. Was that really Kennedy’s secret plan when he set into motion PC? Make Americans challenge themselves as they go overseas, thinking that they’re there to help other people.
So I sit and think, and think some more. There will never be another time like this in my life. Two of the craziest years I have faced so far. More happiness, more stress, more challenges than I have faced before. All of this has made it worth it.
Does it make up for all the teeth grinding moments that I’ve faced for the past two years? More or less. It’s easy to dwell on the negative (as this blog probably has shown) and it’s something I’m good at. I’ve hated being Asian here (if that makes any sense). I’ve hated feeling doubly as an outsider in this country. I’ve hated being undervalued. I’ve hated some of the things I’ve thought about CVians during moments of anger. At times, I’ve hated this country for not being what I was looking for when I joined PC.
This is a quirky culture; African at the core, with a lot of things that trick you into thinking they’re more Western than they really are. After all of this time, I’ve realized that everything they have from the West is one part that general desire many less developed countries have of emulating the West. But it’s also a large part of CVians hiding the fact that they don’t, as a people, know who they are or what they want.
I don’t know where they’re going to get a sense of direction from, if at all, or if they are just going to continue to stumble around. After being here for a bit, I came to the conclusion that there was nothing here that people wanted from me (or is it that I don’t have anything to offer them?) so what I was hoping PC might provide – a sense of purpose or mission – faded away. I’ve drifted for two years, alongside these CVians. Never really knowing where I came from or wanted to go.
Maybe what’s annoyed me so much about CV is that it put a mirror onto my life? It’s showed me, that just like everyone living on these islands, that I didn’t have a clue. It reminded me, in a rude way, that despite having grown up with the advantages and privilege that America has offered, that I really am no different than, say, a 20-something girl who stopped going to school after 7th grade (because, I can assure you, I’ve been humbled by quite a few of them in many ways).
I think I thought my time in PC would help me answer questions about myself and this wacky world that we live in. But in reality it’s just stirred up even more issues for me to contemplate. PC has probably done more for me than I’ve done for CV. Was that really Kennedy’s secret plan when he set into motion PC? Make Americans challenge themselves as they go overseas, thinking that they’re there to help other people.
So I sit and think, and think some more. There will never be another time like this in my life. Two of the craziest years I have faced so far. More happiness, more stress, more challenges than I have faced before. All of this has made it worth it.
posted by jende turtle at 1:56 PM
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