First Year Reflections

I know I’m long-winded, but does it surprise you to know that for everything I mention, there are three things left out? Between this and my journaling – which is also lacking – I suppose I’ll have an incomplete written record of my time in Cape Verde. I’m suddenly more obsessed about recording all of these little details because on 9 Sept, I became a second-year PCV. I have now spent more days in country than I will be spending. By this time next year, I’ll have turned into a RPCV and Cape Verde will start to become a memory; something I had experienced, as opposed to something I am experiencing.

Between the thought that my time here is starting to wind down, and in addition to all of the culture I saw on the continent, it has led to a recent kick to get a hold of items that are uniquely Cape Verdean. Though the tuna and grogu are great, I need non-consumables as well. I’ve been collecting some Cape Verdean pop music (zook), as well as things that have been published in Kriolu, and am trying to find more cultural things (so far, that has only been the panu di terra, which is this cloth that people wear when dancing batuk). Karnazdi (dancing festas three days before a saint day) is unique to Fogo, so when they happen next spring, I’ll be there with camera in hand.

When I look back at my first few months at site, and the times I was seriously ready to ET, it doesn’t seem all that bad. But considering how I felt at the time, I’m a bit surprised I made it. Having a chunk of my close friends ET during the start was hard, but I could hardly blame them for leaving. Then I had the problem of lack of work, which then turned into the problem of pointless work. Looking Chinese but being American was first amusing but quickly turned annoying. My language sucked (it still does). Making friends was not really happening. I tried to overcompensate for my loneliness by hitting on my Seventh-Day Adventist coworker, but she was having none of that.

You’d think it would be enough to get me running and screaming back to the States. Why I didn’t is beyond me. Though my mind has sanitized some of my memories, I know there were times when I just hated it here, and couldn’t stand it.

So, my first year was not all that I had hoped it to be. Between the Câmara’s lack of interest of me, yet their desire for me to do the same pointless monkey work as their other employees, as well as my lack of integration into the community, I was batting 0 for 2. I can’t really decide how much responsibility I should take for things, and how much should I blame it on others. I mean, on the one hand, am I going around and trying to make conversation with everyone I pass in the street? No. I try to walk around a lot, though I’m not stopping to talk to everyone. But does me appearing to be Chinese make it harder to integrate, since everyone assumes I’m just a loja owner, and seem to have a hard time accepting that I’m an American? With my work, sure, I could run screaming to the Câmara, demanding more things to do. But why did they request a Volunteer for in the first place if they only have pointless things for me to do? Why should I offer myself to do more work for them if they won’t give me anything in the first place?

Sure, you can argue that it’s not a matter about it being someone’s fault. But, unfortunately, I’m one of those who have the mindset that it’s still someone’s responsibility, because everything is someone’s responsibility. I wish I didn’t think like this, since it would reduce some of my stress, but I cannot help myself.

So as I played pointless blame games in the prison of my mind, my first year slipped away. I do feel like I accomplished a few things, or, at least laid the foundations down for accomplishing things. I’m reasonably sure the Internet café would already have imploded if I hadn’t been around, working on the computers. Every time I come back from vacation, something is wrong with them. The contacts I made with OMCV and BØRNEfonden led to me helping with some ideas for International Women’s Day, as well as participating in the Day of the African Child. I’ve also helped both organizations with some back end things.

I’ve made connections both professionally and personally my first year, and I cling to the hope that it will come to fruition this second year. I would like to leave here – even if having done nothing to help Mosteiros – at least thinking I had made some friends and possibly provided something with a different view on things.

Cape Verde is not Africa, not by a long shot. This is something I struggled with, but really came to accept after my vacation on the continent (more on this when I post my trip reflections). Since I no longer need to try to convince myself that this is Africa, I can focus more on taking it for what it is, as opposed to trying to make it what it’s not.

This isn’t to say that I don’t like Cape Verde. It’s an amazing place, and I’m glad I’ve have had the chance to experience it. But despite my feelings for the country, that doesn’t mean I feel any less robbed from having the PC experience I had been looking for.

So I take some consolation in the hope, that for the newbies who are now here, that their experiences are better than mine. Even though PST was extremely frustrating because of having to deal with PC, it was rewarding for me because some of their starry-eyed optimism rubbed off on me, and gave me a small bit of hope that maybe I’ll actually be able to do something for the people in Mosteiros.

I still have no idea why I want to do any of this. I don’t feel like I have a humanitarian streak. Did I just need to get out of America for a bit? Was I running from something? I can’t pinpoint my motives – which annoys me– and it’s not any clearer when I look to my fellow PCVs. Sure, there are a few that are very stereotypically PC type people, but beyond them, everyone else is a mystery. As one of the PCVs I was working PST with said, “there are some weird motherfuckers in Peace Corps.”

So, here’s to hoping my second year is better than my first (it really can’t be any worse). To that end, here are a few goals (no special order) I’ve assembled for myself:

-Delve more deeply into the Mosteiros psyche.
-Improve my Chinese language skills.
-Have sexual relations with Cape Verdean women (of legal age, of course).
-Help OMCV do an International Women’s Day event.
-Work with Nadia doing stuff for the deportees.
-Work to help promote the microfinance organization.
-Write more openly and more often, but try for some brevity too.
-Have as little to do with PC as possible.
-Don’t bring any new books to site (except ones sent to me by friends) and read all of the books on my bookshelf.

Oh, speaking of books, here are some book reviews:

The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger
For chick-lit, not bad at all. I think it was more the fascination with what her boss was going to make her do next, and what other unreasonable expectations she had for the main character, which kept me interested. I look forward to seeing the movie when I get back to the States.

War Trash by Ha Jin
I brought this with me to the Continent, and it was an interesting read, about Chinese prisoners held by the UN during the Korean war, and the internal battles between the Communists and Kuomintang for the hearts and minds of the prisoners. I guess this book also marks the start of my Chinese kick, since I am currently reading another book about China, and have another one lined up after that.

A Widow for One Year by John Irving
I have no idea why I picked up this book from the Transit House, I though I had heard of the title someplace. It was a pretty decent story about a little girl and the mother who leaves her, and how this impacts her life. I thought some of the plot twists were a bit out there, but the book was good enough to make me want to race to the end to see what would happen.

Inside a U.S. Embassy: How the Foreign Service Works for America edited by Shawn Dorman
Sadly enough, this book made me even more interested in the Foreign Service, and I will probably take the written exam at least two more times, even though I think I will be kinda old to be entering the Foreign Service at that age. I now have a slightly better understanding about how the FSO works, and how an embassy functions. The stories they told are always the interesting ones, though I am sure it’s really more like PC, moments of fun activity between long stretches of sitting around wondering “what is it that I’m doing here?”